In a way it was always ment to be like this. Wasnt it? I am the loneliness people feel. If I am not alone, how can I be?
But the darkness woke up. My hatred. My revenge. My demonic dream. I find my peace on music. Again. I am happy, when I listen to them. When it all ended, I couldnt find my haven. As I did so many times before.. I know what it means. But there is no turning back. In the end, you will feel it too. How a heart breaks because of loss.
"Still searching for my way, the right way to be
still pondering what I've done
I'm still thinking what I've said, still finding from within
and all that I know is still not enough"
Its the song I listen to right now. It makes.. an eerie kind of sense. Some people say they hate it when they are right. I sometimes do. My intuition shows me when something isnt the way it should be. Forces me to find out why. Its never enough.
"I'm being held by the one
shadow tormenting my soul
the curving neck of a swan
the slow turning of a birds head"
What saddens me the most is that its me. Im the one holding myself back. Trying to not step into that pure darkness that waits for me. Maybe I should give in? Become what I always wanted. Abandon all hope of being with someone. Abandon.. happiness. For ever. One day, I think I will take that step. So many tears.. so much blood. It will all be worth it. In the end, you will feel it too.
"Up the hill and the mountain
I look back, I look down
there flows the River of Death
and here the wind in my hair"
Sunday 15 June 2008
Friday 6 June 2008
Road to River Black
Every end is a new beginning.
Or so it is said. Hundreds of years have gone by. We have learned almost nothing. I held your dreams in my arms. Understood them. And I can fulfill them.
It wasn't our fate this time. Maybe its you that weren't ready. Maybe it was me. I have returned to my strength. The insanity that I breathe. The reasoning behind it all. I see things again.
Im still willing to let go of anything needed. Because of that feeble attempt to become happy with someone I can make happy.
But its not just that. I can make anyone happy. Anyone I want. I am what people look for at a later stage. Almost perfection, yet with a subtle insanity making every day a new world.
Yet, I am the lonely one. Refusing to pick anyone except the true dream.
So I am eternally alone. Again. I know it because I can feel it. You cant leave your world. You are a prisoner. I have no shackles. I can move anywhere. Do anything. Become anything. All because I was lonely.
You, were not. Even though you tasted the bitter solitude. And you know what it can do to people.
Why do I pick the sad valley every time? Because I can truly appreciate what being happy means. And I can see it. Understand it. Someone that smiles all the time doesnt have the first idea what happiness is. And when it comes.. It hits hard. Tears. Disbelief. The value of understanding high.
I embrace my solitude. I know that after today there is no turning back. I will have become the lonely one. As I always thought I would be.
I only have one last step to take.. And eventually I will. That last dark desire. My.. destiny it seems.
Its easy to say we are not alike. Its easier than admitting we are.
I know every mistake I made. All because of the luck of speaking about someone just like me. Before my choice.
Someone that would do anything it took, but never consider what others thought. Or how insane it looked. Violence as part of the day. Threats. Suicidal promises. Hidden lies. Deception.
You wondered why she left? Because I was becoming someone I never will become. And Im happy she did.
Imagination fuels my mind. Creativity is my heart. I wear it as my armor. Around my heart. I still have some small parts left, unscarred by human deception and betrayal.
But its all ending. I am becoming the nightmare I refuse to have.
Its not a cry for help. I can always survive. I always have. I never needed anyone. Even though I wanted someone.
Conscious choices. I have done them to avoid becoming certain things. I leave you choices because they define who we are.
Imagine a world where no mistakes were ever made. Imagine what it would look like. No discoveries. No gods, misinterpretations, no errors. No comedy based on mistakes. No hard life stories because no one made a bad choice. No sadness because of an accident. No happiness because there is no sadness.
Just.. a grey world where no one evolves. And no one really lives.
Or so it is said. Hundreds of years have gone by. We have learned almost nothing. I held your dreams in my arms. Understood them. And I can fulfill them.
It wasn't our fate this time. Maybe its you that weren't ready. Maybe it was me. I have returned to my strength. The insanity that I breathe. The reasoning behind it all. I see things again.
Im still willing to let go of anything needed. Because of that feeble attempt to become happy with someone I can make happy.
But its not just that. I can make anyone happy. Anyone I want. I am what people look for at a later stage. Almost perfection, yet with a subtle insanity making every day a new world.
Yet, I am the lonely one. Refusing to pick anyone except the true dream.
So I am eternally alone. Again. I know it because I can feel it. You cant leave your world. You are a prisoner. I have no shackles. I can move anywhere. Do anything. Become anything. All because I was lonely.
You, were not. Even though you tasted the bitter solitude. And you know what it can do to people.
Why do I pick the sad valley every time? Because I can truly appreciate what being happy means. And I can see it. Understand it. Someone that smiles all the time doesnt have the first idea what happiness is. And when it comes.. It hits hard. Tears. Disbelief. The value of understanding high.
I embrace my solitude. I know that after today there is no turning back. I will have become the lonely one. As I always thought I would be.
I only have one last step to take.. And eventually I will. That last dark desire. My.. destiny it seems.
Its easy to say we are not alike. Its easier than admitting we are.
I know every mistake I made. All because of the luck of speaking about someone just like me. Before my choice.
Someone that would do anything it took, but never consider what others thought. Or how insane it looked. Violence as part of the day. Threats. Suicidal promises. Hidden lies. Deception.
You wondered why she left? Because I was becoming someone I never will become. And Im happy she did.
Imagination fuels my mind. Creativity is my heart. I wear it as my armor. Around my heart. I still have some small parts left, unscarred by human deception and betrayal.
But its all ending. I am becoming the nightmare I refuse to have.
Its not a cry for help. I can always survive. I always have. I never needed anyone. Even though I wanted someone.
Conscious choices. I have done them to avoid becoming certain things. I leave you choices because they define who we are.
Imagine a world where no mistakes were ever made. Imagine what it would look like. No discoveries. No gods, misinterpretations, no errors. No comedy based on mistakes. No hard life stories because no one made a bad choice. No sadness because of an accident. No happiness because there is no sadness.
Just.. a grey world where no one evolves. And no one really lives.
Friday 9 May 2008
My Thesis
A person can not possibly know the brightest light, without being surrounded by complete darkness atleast once.
I have had both. And I recognize the future as I could tell the past. I sometimes dream of events. Things that happen in the future. Dreams are very powerful.
You said, you had a dream about someone like me. Just like me. The day of wonders havent passed yet. I know that you wont change your mind out of principle.
The same principle I lived by. You will not fix something that was once broken. I wont give up my past because that is the essence of my being.
Yet, I changed that. I accepted what happened and took care of as much as I could.
I am a balanced creature, at most times. Sometimes, the darkness takes over. And sometimes I let the light take over. In essence, I use them both. To form the undeniable power of me. I am the strength people search for within themselves. Because I am free of their guilt.
We were a perfect match. Because we balanced each other. I was the extreme and you were the counterweight. Together we formed a unity that was stronger than any single soul.
You said I was proof people change. Its not true. People change for a reason and a reason only. When that reason is gone, people revert to what they were or evolve in to a new balance. Of past and the future.
Ive seen this so many times. People break up, people change cause they dont want to break up. When they are back together, the old sins reappear. Because they are together again, the reason for change is gone.
My reason is a living being. That will never leave my mind. Its you. My reason for change, is you. When you are gone, my darkness will come back. Its the natural order of life.
Its true I hurt you. And its a sin I will carry with me. I will atone for it and in the end, find peace in my solitude as I have done so many times before.
If you dont mind, I would like to know why you refuse to mend what was broken. Or to even build on the ground where the castle fell.
I can understand that you dont want to get hurt again. Or that you are afraid old sins will come to life again. But if you believed I changed, the second part cant happen.
It might be true that building on a shattered ground makes for an unstable foundation. But its also true that if you fix the small problems they can never grow to a big issue.
Repairing our only fight. My first mistake. Out of principle you never will.
I understand how clinging on to the past was my big mistake. What about you? Will you end everything after the first argument, each time?
You love your family and friends. Im sure its because together you have gone through hardships. Fought each other, smiled together and become stronger as a whole.
My power is growing. Slowly coming back. Its natures way of saying its time to open those darks eyes again. Gaze upon the moonlight and howl.
We are very similar. You know it. And ofcourse we have key differences. If we didnt, we wouldnt be different people. I challenge the extremes every day. Its the spirit of the hated soul. To fight against odds. To not give up.
It does hurt you. Im aware of it. Im reducing that pain, step by step.
You are the calm person, calculating it all. It has to be perfect. You work hard for everything. Friends, family and yourself. Live your life to its fullest and stay away from any sorrow no matter what.
You will have that dream for a long time you know. So will I. Always thinking what if?
Neither one of us will wait forever to try and achieve happiness. People never do. I know you will get hurt again. Tears, slowly flowing. I know when you will feel empty.
But its the future and nothing more.
I was told that the relationships that survive, are the ones that take the least hits. Its true in a way. It also depends on how much people are willing to fight for them. People like me. I fight for them each time. I dont give up. I try to change, to work for it and to help the person Im with.
Its my normal way of being. If you give up you are just like everyone else. Like those that get married once every 2 years because they found "love".
Im not. I fight for something worth having. Something like what we had. Its something you only find once in a lifetime, no matter how many dreams you create.
I have had both. And I recognize the future as I could tell the past. I sometimes dream of events. Things that happen in the future. Dreams are very powerful.
You said, you had a dream about someone like me. Just like me. The day of wonders havent passed yet. I know that you wont change your mind out of principle.
The same principle I lived by. You will not fix something that was once broken. I wont give up my past because that is the essence of my being.
Yet, I changed that. I accepted what happened and took care of as much as I could.
I am a balanced creature, at most times. Sometimes, the darkness takes over. And sometimes I let the light take over. In essence, I use them both. To form the undeniable power of me. I am the strength people search for within themselves. Because I am free of their guilt.
We were a perfect match. Because we balanced each other. I was the extreme and you were the counterweight. Together we formed a unity that was stronger than any single soul.
You said I was proof people change. Its not true. People change for a reason and a reason only. When that reason is gone, people revert to what they were or evolve in to a new balance. Of past and the future.
Ive seen this so many times. People break up, people change cause they dont want to break up. When they are back together, the old sins reappear. Because they are together again, the reason for change is gone.
My reason is a living being. That will never leave my mind. Its you. My reason for change, is you. When you are gone, my darkness will come back. Its the natural order of life.
Its true I hurt you. And its a sin I will carry with me. I will atone for it and in the end, find peace in my solitude as I have done so many times before.
If you dont mind, I would like to know why you refuse to mend what was broken. Or to even build on the ground where the castle fell.
I can understand that you dont want to get hurt again. Or that you are afraid old sins will come to life again. But if you believed I changed, the second part cant happen.
It might be true that building on a shattered ground makes for an unstable foundation. But its also true that if you fix the small problems they can never grow to a big issue.
Repairing our only fight. My first mistake. Out of principle you never will.
I understand how clinging on to the past was my big mistake. What about you? Will you end everything after the first argument, each time?
You love your family and friends. Im sure its because together you have gone through hardships. Fought each other, smiled together and become stronger as a whole.
My power is growing. Slowly coming back. Its natures way of saying its time to open those darks eyes again. Gaze upon the moonlight and howl.
We are very similar. You know it. And ofcourse we have key differences. If we didnt, we wouldnt be different people. I challenge the extremes every day. Its the spirit of the hated soul. To fight against odds. To not give up.
It does hurt you. Im aware of it. Im reducing that pain, step by step.
You are the calm person, calculating it all. It has to be perfect. You work hard for everything. Friends, family and yourself. Live your life to its fullest and stay away from any sorrow no matter what.
You will have that dream for a long time you know. So will I. Always thinking what if?
Neither one of us will wait forever to try and achieve happiness. People never do. I know you will get hurt again. Tears, slowly flowing. I know when you will feel empty.
But its the future and nothing more.
I was told that the relationships that survive, are the ones that take the least hits. Its true in a way. It also depends on how much people are willing to fight for them. People like me. I fight for them each time. I dont give up. I try to change, to work for it and to help the person Im with.
Its my normal way of being. If you give up you are just like everyone else. Like those that get married once every 2 years because they found "love".
Im not. I fight for something worth having. Something like what we had. Its something you only find once in a lifetime, no matter how many dreams you create.
Tuesday 6 May 2008
The slow descent.
I feel empty.
I dont know why. I want her near me. But how can I explain it to her, that we really are two of a kind?
She doesnt want to know. I know she will get hurt. By someone else. She will be used. Then resent the world. Become lonely for a while. Then find more and more people. Eventually she will find someone similar and stay with him, because the world says she has to.
Yet.. I am here. For you. I already know how the wheel of time spins. And I am fighting so desperately to break the cycle. Ive lost. More than once. Why do I have to lose again? Why dont you understand? If you just told me how you felt.. I would have known. But you kept so much hidden I thought it was all fine.
Then.. that day happened.
Its the first time I could feel my heart being close to breaking.
Guns n'Roses - Dont Cry
"And please remember. I never lied.." Will there ever be anyone for me? That can feel the same emotions I do? That can be honest.. with me?
You. I wanted you. But soon.. All I want is to turn you into a memory. But not yet.. Before its too late. I hope. For us. Again.
I can still save you.. I can make you happy. You dont have to walk down the road everyone else walks on.. Let me.. help you.
Please?
I dont know why. I want her near me. But how can I explain it to her, that we really are two of a kind?
She doesnt want to know. I know she will get hurt. By someone else. She will be used. Then resent the world. Become lonely for a while. Then find more and more people. Eventually she will find someone similar and stay with him, because the world says she has to.
Yet.. I am here. For you. I already know how the wheel of time spins. And I am fighting so desperately to break the cycle. Ive lost. More than once. Why do I have to lose again? Why dont you understand? If you just told me how you felt.. I would have known. But you kept so much hidden I thought it was all fine.
Then.. that day happened.
Its the first time I could feel my heart being close to breaking.
Guns n'Roses - Dont Cry
"And please remember. I never lied.." Will there ever be anyone for me? That can feel the same emotions I do? That can be honest.. with me?
You. I wanted you. But soon.. All I want is to turn you into a memory. But not yet.. Before its too late. I hope. For us. Again.
I can still save you.. I can make you happy. You dont have to walk down the road everyone else walks on.. Let me.. help you.
Please?
Monday 5 May 2008
I live.. again
I love storylines. Revenge especially.
Movies like 'The Crow'. Or the game, Blood. Or the comic, Punisher.
When you grow up, you shape yourself from everything around you. You become an image of what you see, hear and do.
I had no one, but TV and the dreams shaped by them. My favourite shows were american sitcoms, and later on horror movies. Maybe thats why I turned out this way. With a deep wish for a family life, where happiness is just like they had. Yet I hide my darkness, because I know its there. And the two can never be connected.
By your standards, I am broken.
I dont see it the same way as you do. I can see through your eyes and almost every one else that comes near. Can you? Do you know what your enemy feels? Why the child cries alone? Why you fear some people?
Knowing too much hurts. And the fear of being lonely, causes us to do horrible things to ourselves and others.
Thats why we exploded. And why I now fight just for the hope of having another chance.
Im not giving up yet. Even though my mind sends me images and thoughts that hurt me every moment I breathe.
Im.. not.. giving.. up.. yet.
Movies like 'The Crow'. Or the game, Blood. Or the comic, Punisher.
When you grow up, you shape yourself from everything around you. You become an image of what you see, hear and do.
I had no one, but TV and the dreams shaped by them. My favourite shows were american sitcoms, and later on horror movies. Maybe thats why I turned out this way. With a deep wish for a family life, where happiness is just like they had. Yet I hide my darkness, because I know its there. And the two can never be connected.
By your standards, I am broken.
I dont see it the same way as you do. I can see through your eyes and almost every one else that comes near. Can you? Do you know what your enemy feels? Why the child cries alone? Why you fear some people?
Knowing too much hurts. And the fear of being lonely, causes us to do horrible things to ourselves and others.
Thats why we exploded. And why I now fight just for the hope of having another chance.
Im not giving up yet. Even though my mind sends me images and thoughts that hurt me every moment I breathe.
Im.. not.. giving.. up.. yet.
Sunday 4 May 2008
A new dawn
I feel a bit peaceful today.
Woke up, had a shower. Bit of a headache.
Actually, I didnt "wake up" I got woken up. By water. So now I have a nice revenge to plot.
I can hold a grudge for years. Never forget it. But at the same time, I can forgive in a matter of minutes. Almost anything. Any kind of fight, argument, disagreement or negative state I can change.
Gardenian - The Silent Fall
Music is always my relief. I have songs for any emotion, although recently Ive had it harder to find them. I have thought over my life on so many occasions. And just recently, actually tried to correct my past. For you, person not named. To remove the past completely so we can have a future.
There are still a few that didnt answer. Weronika. Sylwia. People I cared for. The first, was my long term girlfriend. And I know I treated you bad. Im sorry. Sylwia.. My first real friend.
They say, you dont know what you have til its gone. Its very true.
I am usually happy to stay alone. I can wonder about this world and plot my devilish plans. But recently, I feel too alone. I need someone with me. To keep me from exploding.
I think I have turned into a Dexter/House clone. No emotions other than the ones I can fake yet I do have emotions and at the same time, I hate people cause I understand them too well and cant stay without them.
Woke up, had a shower. Bit of a headache.
Actually, I didnt "wake up" I got woken up. By water. So now I have a nice revenge to plot.
I can hold a grudge for years. Never forget it. But at the same time, I can forgive in a matter of minutes. Almost anything. Any kind of fight, argument, disagreement or negative state I can change.
Gardenian - The Silent Fall
Music is always my relief. I have songs for any emotion, although recently Ive had it harder to find them. I have thought over my life on so many occasions. And just recently, actually tried to correct my past. For you, person not named. To remove the past completely so we can have a future.
There are still a few that didnt answer. Weronika. Sylwia. People I cared for. The first, was my long term girlfriend. And I know I treated you bad. Im sorry. Sylwia.. My first real friend.
They say, you dont know what you have til its gone. Its very true.
I am usually happy to stay alone. I can wonder about this world and plot my devilish plans. But recently, I feel too alone. I need someone with me. To keep me from exploding.
I think I have turned into a Dexter/House clone. No emotions other than the ones I can fake yet I do have emotions and at the same time, I hate people cause I understand them too well and cant stay without them.
Saturday 3 May 2008
The first day
Yep.
Im here again. I remember how I used to write. To let my emotions out. It was right after my razor went across my arms.
The pain made me feel the world. Now.. Im grown up. Or so they say.
This blog, will represent the darkest side of humanity. Something you have never.. and will never represent.
There are two people sleeping in the room next to me. Friends. The only thing stopping me is the world and its regulations. I really am the insanity you feel. I only hold myself back because I am strong enough to adapt.
I remember joining a chatroom once. I dont remember my handle, but someone asked me "Can you kill me?" I didnt say yes, I asked more questions.
I can kill. But. I have that hope. Positive future, that I never give up.
I find it strange. I wouldnt cry over someones life. Yet I would feel sorrow over losing something that was never mine to begin with.
Like you, girlfriend not named. We are the perfect match. Yet you find the excuses. I made you smile. The insanity that is me. I created myself in an image of you. And you hate me. Despise me.
My first though. I will kill your friend. But then..
Love. I hate it. I want to understand the REAL you first, before I chose. Every path is open.
Even the one, that means I change to what you want. The happiness I can be. Throw away my past.
I can.. really be all that you want.
Im here again. I remember how I used to write. To let my emotions out. It was right after my razor went across my arms.
The pain made me feel the world. Now.. Im grown up. Or so they say.
This blog, will represent the darkest side of humanity. Something you have never.. and will never represent.
There are two people sleeping in the room next to me. Friends. The only thing stopping me is the world and its regulations. I really am the insanity you feel. I only hold myself back because I am strong enough to adapt.
I remember joining a chatroom once. I dont remember my handle, but someone asked me "Can you kill me?" I didnt say yes, I asked more questions.
I can kill. But. I have that hope. Positive future, that I never give up.
I find it strange. I wouldnt cry over someones life. Yet I would feel sorrow over losing something that was never mine to begin with.
Like you, girlfriend not named. We are the perfect match. Yet you find the excuses. I made you smile. The insanity that is me. I created myself in an image of you. And you hate me. Despise me.
My first though. I will kill your friend. But then..
Love. I hate it. I want to understand the REAL you first, before I chose. Every path is open.
Even the one, that means I change to what you want. The happiness I can be. Throw away my past.
I can.. really be all that you want.
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