In a way it was always ment to be like this. Wasnt it? I am the loneliness people feel. If I am not alone, how can I be?
But the darkness woke up. My hatred. My revenge. My demonic dream. I find my peace on music. Again. I am happy, when I listen to them. When it all ended, I couldnt find my haven. As I did so many times before.. I know what it means. But there is no turning back. In the end, you will feel it too. How a heart breaks because of loss.
"Still searching for my way, the right way to be
still pondering what I've done
I'm still thinking what I've said, still finding from within
and all that I know is still not enough"
Its the song I listen to right now. It makes.. an eerie kind of sense. Some people say they hate it when they are right. I sometimes do. My intuition shows me when something isnt the way it should be. Forces me to find out why. Its never enough.
"I'm being held by the one
shadow tormenting my soul
the curving neck of a swan
the slow turning of a birds head"
What saddens me the most is that its me. Im the one holding myself back. Trying to not step into that pure darkness that waits for me. Maybe I should give in? Become what I always wanted. Abandon all hope of being with someone. Abandon.. happiness. For ever. One day, I think I will take that step. So many tears.. so much blood. It will all be worth it. In the end, you will feel it too.
"Up the hill and the mountain
I look back, I look down
there flows the River of Death
and here the wind in my hair"
Sunday 15 June 2008
Friday 6 June 2008
Road to River Black
Every end is a new beginning.
Or so it is said. Hundreds of years have gone by. We have learned almost nothing. I held your dreams in my arms. Understood them. And I can fulfill them.
It wasn't our fate this time. Maybe its you that weren't ready. Maybe it was me. I have returned to my strength. The insanity that I breathe. The reasoning behind it all. I see things again.
Im still willing to let go of anything needed. Because of that feeble attempt to become happy with someone I can make happy.
But its not just that. I can make anyone happy. Anyone I want. I am what people look for at a later stage. Almost perfection, yet with a subtle insanity making every day a new world.
Yet, I am the lonely one. Refusing to pick anyone except the true dream.
So I am eternally alone. Again. I know it because I can feel it. You cant leave your world. You are a prisoner. I have no shackles. I can move anywhere. Do anything. Become anything. All because I was lonely.
You, were not. Even though you tasted the bitter solitude. And you know what it can do to people.
Why do I pick the sad valley every time? Because I can truly appreciate what being happy means. And I can see it. Understand it. Someone that smiles all the time doesnt have the first idea what happiness is. And when it comes.. It hits hard. Tears. Disbelief. The value of understanding high.
I embrace my solitude. I know that after today there is no turning back. I will have become the lonely one. As I always thought I would be.
I only have one last step to take.. And eventually I will. That last dark desire. My.. destiny it seems.
Its easy to say we are not alike. Its easier than admitting we are.
I know every mistake I made. All because of the luck of speaking about someone just like me. Before my choice.
Someone that would do anything it took, but never consider what others thought. Or how insane it looked. Violence as part of the day. Threats. Suicidal promises. Hidden lies. Deception.
You wondered why she left? Because I was becoming someone I never will become. And Im happy she did.
Imagination fuels my mind. Creativity is my heart. I wear it as my armor. Around my heart. I still have some small parts left, unscarred by human deception and betrayal.
But its all ending. I am becoming the nightmare I refuse to have.
Its not a cry for help. I can always survive. I always have. I never needed anyone. Even though I wanted someone.
Conscious choices. I have done them to avoid becoming certain things. I leave you choices because they define who we are.
Imagine a world where no mistakes were ever made. Imagine what it would look like. No discoveries. No gods, misinterpretations, no errors. No comedy based on mistakes. No hard life stories because no one made a bad choice. No sadness because of an accident. No happiness because there is no sadness.
Just.. a grey world where no one evolves. And no one really lives.
Or so it is said. Hundreds of years have gone by. We have learned almost nothing. I held your dreams in my arms. Understood them. And I can fulfill them.
It wasn't our fate this time. Maybe its you that weren't ready. Maybe it was me. I have returned to my strength. The insanity that I breathe. The reasoning behind it all. I see things again.
Im still willing to let go of anything needed. Because of that feeble attempt to become happy with someone I can make happy.
But its not just that. I can make anyone happy. Anyone I want. I am what people look for at a later stage. Almost perfection, yet with a subtle insanity making every day a new world.
Yet, I am the lonely one. Refusing to pick anyone except the true dream.
So I am eternally alone. Again. I know it because I can feel it. You cant leave your world. You are a prisoner. I have no shackles. I can move anywhere. Do anything. Become anything. All because I was lonely.
You, were not. Even though you tasted the bitter solitude. And you know what it can do to people.
Why do I pick the sad valley every time? Because I can truly appreciate what being happy means. And I can see it. Understand it. Someone that smiles all the time doesnt have the first idea what happiness is. And when it comes.. It hits hard. Tears. Disbelief. The value of understanding high.
I embrace my solitude. I know that after today there is no turning back. I will have become the lonely one. As I always thought I would be.
I only have one last step to take.. And eventually I will. That last dark desire. My.. destiny it seems.
Its easy to say we are not alike. Its easier than admitting we are.
I know every mistake I made. All because of the luck of speaking about someone just like me. Before my choice.
Someone that would do anything it took, but never consider what others thought. Or how insane it looked. Violence as part of the day. Threats. Suicidal promises. Hidden lies. Deception.
You wondered why she left? Because I was becoming someone I never will become. And Im happy she did.
Imagination fuels my mind. Creativity is my heart. I wear it as my armor. Around my heart. I still have some small parts left, unscarred by human deception and betrayal.
But its all ending. I am becoming the nightmare I refuse to have.
Its not a cry for help. I can always survive. I always have. I never needed anyone. Even though I wanted someone.
Conscious choices. I have done them to avoid becoming certain things. I leave you choices because they define who we are.
Imagine a world where no mistakes were ever made. Imagine what it would look like. No discoveries. No gods, misinterpretations, no errors. No comedy based on mistakes. No hard life stories because no one made a bad choice. No sadness because of an accident. No happiness because there is no sadness.
Just.. a grey world where no one evolves. And no one really lives.
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